You wouldn’t look at me that night, the first night you met me. I thought you weren’t attracted to me, that somehow you were just doing a favor for a friend. I’m not sure when I realized that wasn’t the case, and somehow we found we stayed awake together into the early hours. We use to laugh and say a blind date that never ended!
What did we even speak of that night? I no longer remember. Yet I remember what we did…the colors and the pictures of that night, how my mind has held on to them. I remember where we ate, what we ate, the saki, the coffee, the roar of the lions, the wine, the beer, playing pool, you asking if I was some kind of pool shark, our walk of downtown, noting how alone we were under the faint glow of street lamps, the dark reflection of your arms surrounding me in the quietness of the moon and how it lit the east side of the building, that beautiful view…
Why don’t I remember our first kiss? The first time we made love? Why have those memories escaped me? I remember the smell of fall, wood smoke scents floating in the air. Long nights turned into early mornings, the deep rich full-bodied smell of coffee, the smell-good smells of beginnings, how September was more cool that year and October so stunningly beautiful dressed in brilliants reds, and oranges, golds.
Five years later we said I do, the same place the moon fell the first time we met! The blue dusk of night, the prayer of blessings by Judge Hooper. Our families somehow cross distances to witness, our two oldest (3 and 4 years old) standing by us watching with the most goregeous wide eyes and precious smiles upon us, our third baby on the way… She didn’t move too much in my belly that night, maybe it was the sound of the rainfall as we ran from the car to the awning of the restaurant-the place we ate that first night we met-perhaps we were so peaceful in our “i do’s” she was lulled to sleep in a warm safe place.
I don’t think we are safe anymore. Too much uncertainty, water on the rise, the bridge too close to breaking. I can’t stop the crushing waves from taking us out. I am not strong enough to hold us together any longer. Your grip has lessened my heart too broken, needing something you’re incapable to give. These memories don’t fade. So many beautiful moments we have shared, created, loved and lived out…and too many times we have lived the ugly hard truth of marriage, the stresses and strains, growing apart, putting other things first rather then the necessary maintenance and repair on our structure and foundation. The dark side of marriage people don’t like to hear about, close their eyes to, turn their heads as if a necessary tolerence…as if that’s the proper thing to do (🙄).
What do we do now? Rare are the “i love you’s”, the morning kisses goodbye few and far inbetween, the span of hurts and anger and betrayals between us under the sheets. I was moldable iron for so long, letting your hard exterior shell indent and sharp words carve into me. I carry them, these battle scars, the ones I don’t let you see…the old ones, nor the new one from the day before. I can see though you are starting to feel them, especially in these last few years. My heartkeeps stretching but its close to breaking completely.
and now as I sit here in the silence of our world…I’m to aftaid to show this part of me. Trying not to react to the fact that not one word has been uttered between us today, this day of all days, what does that speak of us?
I am almost out of words here for you. Only lost in silent thought absorbing our memories. I don’t want go on breathing as hard as this…It is hurting me. Hurting our beautiful girls. Its numbing me… You’re indifference! I want to escape and leave and stay. I want 20 years ago and yet I want to discover who I am! I want more than this!
What can I write any more? Too much information has been revealed here, too exposed. I feel the seering, seething judgement of people on my soul as I type this but they can just fuck off! Nor have to read me, read the awful truth of the struggles of us…of our love of the black mar and warring of marriage. Besides my arm and texting thumb are going numb! My middle finger too!
What can I write anymore? Love what happened to us? What will we say to each other today? How long will this silence continue? Today? Tomorrow?
…is there anything left of the right thing