this is the part I hate
I cant explain 
no matter the day
the aging of time
it finds me
taking over 
a rage of gloom
and I crumple
slip into the ocean depth 
crushing my chest
and I want to
yet i have no
plucking me from
and its dreadful 
this suffocating ache
to die
to live

stop feeling…

I do not understand 
how i came to be this way 
I am convinced 
I have aways been this way
This tainted soul
rather unremarkable
how else can any of this 
be defined as anything other 
than it is
I wonder the creation 
of my structure 
its purpose
as i wipe the fallen tears
from my work desk
I can let them fall
all of them
as they pour out
because like all the rest 
of the hours of my day
I am alone
even at work too
this is my life now
my skin bruised inderneath
my heart bleeds internally
no one truly cares
thats my reality 
an absolute of a nothing
just this aging form
in the quiet
as the dark falls
even earlier now…

I wish to go
Slip away quiet
for my heart 
feels too 
wrecked and weary
for this world

please stop feeling heart
Oh god 

a letter to M

Letter to my 40-something self if I ever get the chance to time travel back in time…

Dear M, 

You’ll begin to write and some will read your poetry, enjoy your writing. They will talk with you. Say nice things to you…maybe they’ll flirt a little, hint at wanting you…and like a sad pathetic insecure fucked up middle aged woman you’ll begin to think you matter to them, here me though, as i scream this…BUT YOU DON’T MATTER!!! 

Save yourself heartbreaking pain…deep heartwretching pain…go ahead and be polite, but don’t engage anymore than with a thank you! Don’t encounter them any more than with with a slient smile! Don’t give them your breath! Nor give them a pen…a knife! Don’t give them an open heart! Shut that bleeding bitch up tight!  Lock it! They don’t want it! Not your heart…nor you!!!

Love yourself poetess!
Respect yourself!
Be okay with spending the rest of your life alone! 
Be content darling! 
Remember you tried your best to love long and deep!
They just don’t love you back…ever!!!