everything…

I wish I were everything

these words I write spoke of

to ease undying strain

obliterate every hurting thought

 

I wish I were everything

to become what I write…like

 

cloaked in sensuousness

slipped into drive

 feel every splendor

 only fulfilled together in our hours

  to be tucked home

soothing years of subtle aches

delicately

like silk thread binding skin

 

I wish I were everything

like all these words I hold

 and what you would have me become

if attention never fled

 

If I was more than

and nothing like

your unwritten words

nor everything of every word

your silence speaks

 

 

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a softer appreciation for what was…is…

I heard the sea pulse before

such magic held inbetween

the pink swirl of the shell walls

I giggle quietly because that feeling

of awe and wonderment still exists

somewhere buried inside of me

I think back to those tender years

and bow my head, close my eyes

remembering the scents that thrilled me

like lilacs and tea, watermelon juice on my chin,

the sea air, and pink bubble gum lipgloss

jaw breakers only made my tongue raw but I couldn’t resist

all the layers of ringed colors  and I would lick some more

how many times did I stain my lips with cherry & blue raspberry lollipops

 dreaming of when I could wear real lipstick… the empty sticks afterward became

the pretend cigarette…ever the dramatic feminine

I played the part well imagining my love being thrilled to kiss me deeply

even while I was angry…

as back then, so too now,

the butterfly still captures me with it’s delicate dance

I sometimes feel the young squeal of delight rise to my throat

when I seen them I can’t explain why

maybe I identify with their transforming vibration

I want to join in and land on the sofest parts of my lover’s heart

to just take off and be caught within his wind

I wonder if he would recognize me

if I fluttered across his path

how many nights did I sink deep into the

the bindings of books

finger trace the loops of words

guilty for the sound of a turning page at 3 am

 I existed again and again in every story

 while still young enough to think

that almost every dream will come true

that silence was my sweet refuge

laying alone, aflame, swollen

I knew of wonderment and things beyond my own comprehension

just an inner knowing, burning bright

so much so that I thought I would burst

such wildness designed in my heart

I am never myself when tame

I wasn’t long in youth when I felt the lashing

for being divine and captivating

engaging unafraid and unashamed

hated and scorned for standing in my beautiful skin

I don’t know when the veil started to fall

weighted by the messiness life handed me

 but I cloaked myself

 for far too long and carried razors in my pocket

 cruelty of abandonment and death were not the cause

rather the aftermath and the ties that bind

history comes back to haunt you every once in awhile

and venomous words linger longer than they ever should

I hid and found all too many dark places to stay

I didn’t know how to leave them

although I tried

it has been years and lifetimes I lay sleeping

sometime ago I wiped the sleep dust from my eyes

and saw how thick the vines and felt how dull my machete

There is a clearing in view full of illumined colors

maybe love will favor me there

Just breathe

 while walking, and hacking, and fighting my way to it

I don’t rest in the dark much any more

even though I still new to the light and respite is ever fragile and slow going

I am awakened…aligning

 learning to love even the ungraceful parts

I see now that I am housed, etched, and scarred art burned in flesh and bone

in this life, those dark scriptures will remain

as they are marrow of my soul

they are why I was born…

why I write

 

let it be…

I shouldn’t speak of it but my ego screams to be understood

I can only embrace their harsh judgement of me

and send them love back

I know what is my truth and I stand in it

this momet so fragile and magnanimous

If there is something to be learned from this…

Let it be; letting go

let it be; forgivenss

and let it be; only of, and from a place of

LOVE

 

eloquence of lips…

I cry every day

its the soul shedding oceans I’ve drowned in

resuscitation comes so achingly slow

I’d love to be more eloquent

soft as whispers

quiet as the sweet lull of exhaling

something you delicately grasp

as with your lips

essential and inviting

I am more stars anymore

clinging to my inner-knowing…

love

it’s love

always this love

I tarry awhile and drown

bare and endless

becoming adorned

as entirely me

for you

what is one more lifetime

I willingly surrender

love

it’s love

always love

I cry everyday

it’s my soul shedding oceans…

lips have yet taste

 

 

earthen layers…

The more layers I unveil

the more inconsistent the elements of me

I am at war within my soul and self

I thought I was moving forward

as a gentleness I have for myself

although, slowly coming into focus

nevertheless was rooting

I must for mission

embrace my every atom and cell

yet vengeful is the ego when you try to quell its lifeforce

she keeps singing that I am not good enough

that no one could love me

no one will fight for my heart…

return me to the stars

this lifetime

this lifetime…

I am still learning love

growing for

hurting for

dying

 

 

you on the very inside of me…

the leaving you was always 
the finding me finger-tangled 
& wanting 
ever stranded 
an ethereal strain
earth scorched & rending
unconfined
falling through 
black slips of time
I am still fighting 
all bloody and praying 
inside starlight striving

here 
there 
I failed & felled
I am still breathing
somewhere…
existing…
me
     resting as yours

You 
     living on the very inside of me

…I can’t unknow you

I drift in and out of this consciousness

never certain that I have reached you

do you even know its you,

unto the soul of you, I write

I have called for you from a deeper place

one that resonates from where we first began

did you hear something, someone….me

I saw you in him and in her

perhaps in a few others too

never realizing it was you

it was you I have been drifiting towards

something of you so fragant fell upon me

it’s remarkable really

 unforgettable, this familiarity of sacredness

I didn’t know in this lifetime

to hope or dream

or  to even know of such permenance

of being home

but it’s too late, isn’t it

I can’t undo you

I can’t unravel the promised knots

the threads that stitch your breath to mine

to cut you from the innermost part of me

you were there all this time

always rushing through me

I was just sleeping for a while

My love

was I always waiting without waiting

I think you ask for this dance

 and I can’t unknow you now

restlessness is choking me