let it be…

I shouldn’t speak of it but my ego screams to be understood

I can only embrace their harsh judgement of me

and send them love back

I know what is my truth and I stand in it

this momet so fragile and magnanimous

If there is something to be learned from this…

Let it be; letting go

let it be; forgivenss

and let it be; only of, and from a place of

LOVE

 

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stop feeling…

I do not understand 
how i came to be this way 
I am convinced 
I have aways been this way
This tainted soul
rather unremarkable
how else can any of this 
be defined as anything other 
than it is
I wonder the creation 
of my structure 
its purpose
as i wipe the fallen tears
from my work desk
I can let them fall
all of them
as they pour out
because like all the rest 
of the hours of my day
I am alone
even at work too
this is my life now
my skin bruised inderneath
my heart bleeds internally
no one truly cares
thats my reality 
an absolute of a nothing
just this aging form
in the quiet
as the dark falls
even earlier now…

I wish to go
Slip away quiet
for my heart 
feels too 
wrecked and weary
for this world

please stop feeling heart
Oh god 
please. 
stop. 
feeling.  
anything.  
anymore.

a letter to M

Letter to my 40-something self if I ever get the chance to time travel back in time…

Dear M, 

You’ll begin to write and some will read your poetry, enjoy your writing. They will talk with you. Say nice things to you…maybe they’ll flirt a little, hint at wanting you…and like a sad pathetic insecure fucked up middle aged woman you’ll begin to think you matter to them, here me though, as i scream this…BUT YOU DON’T MATTER!!! 

Save yourself heartbreaking pain…deep heartwretching pain…go ahead and be polite, but don’t engage anymore than with a thank you! Don’t encounter them any more than with with a slient smile! Don’t give them your breath! Nor give them a pen…a knife! Don’t give them an open heart! Shut that bleeding bitch up tight!  Lock it! They don’t want it! Not your heart…nor you!!!

Love yourself poetess!
Respect yourself!
Be okay with spending the rest of your life alone! 
Be content darling! 
Remember you tried your best to love long and deep!
They just don’t love you back…ever!!!
❤️M

unseemly…

It was a quiet morning Not unlike most mornings for her…she wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck, the place she carries her stress, and pulled it even tighter around her ugly truth, wishing she had remained aloof and anonymous.

She sips from her porcelain cup, in silent contemplation. Dreaming.  Wondering what it would be like looking at a woman’s reflection that says, self assured, strong and sufficient, confident in her stride, competent in her performance. Yet in the next breath the veil is so easily blown away. Revealing only a reflection of a woman falling short once again. A woman  lacking worth in her own eyes and in the eyesight of others. 

The only womanly things she possesses are passion and quiet femininity, which are not much to behold in such a judgmental world. These useless possessions lay under a coating far less desired than clothes of the same age, in better shape. How unseemly she remains to the outer fray.

She swallows a sip of cold coffee. How like her life that sip reminds her. They only desired her when she was hot & fresh. Scalding tongues with her flavor and boldness. She wasted her youth and her flavor now suffers. They must think she’s generic grounds…lacking 

She thinks of her mortality as her red painted nails trace the delicate lines of blue against pale flesh. Her mortality as thin as the inside of her wrist, one slip of a razor, blood spills in silence. One injection of poison, bloodsurge to her heart, stopping it. But doesn’t her heart stop daily when she awakens once again to the cold chill of silent grey walls? There is no relief of her heart’s aching. Or ceasing of her bloodflow…

Her sadness comes in waves, leaving as quickly as it arrives. As if to remind her that she is the wax and wane of tides. As unpredictable as the seas. A heart as heavy as salt. Love as strong as death. 

A blind date; 20 years of love and warring, and is there anything left of the right of us…

You wouldn’t look at me that night, the first night you met me. I thought you weren’t attracted to me, that somehow you were just doing a favor for a friend.  I’m not sure when I realized that wasn’t the case, and somehow we found we stayed awake together into the early hours. We use to laugh and say a blind date that never ended!

What did we even speak of that night?  I no longer remember. Yet I remember what we did…the colors and the pictures of that night, how my mind has held on to them. I remember where we ate, what we ate, the saki, the coffee, the roar of the lions, the wine, the beer, playing pool, you asking if I was some kind of pool shark, our walk of downtown, noting how alone we were under the faint glow of street lamps, the dark reflection of your arms surrounding me in the quietness of the moon and how it lit the east side of the building, that beautiful view…

Why don’t I remember our first kiss? The first time we made love?  Why have those memories escaped me? I remember the smell of fall, wood smoke scents floating in the air. Long nights turned into early mornings, the deep rich full-bodied smell of coffee, the smell-good smells of beginnings, how September was more cool that year and October so stunningly beautiful dressed in brilliants reds, and oranges, golds. 

Five years later we said I do, the same place the moon fell the first time we met! The blue dusk of night, the prayer of blessings by Judge Hooper. Our families somehow cross distances to witness, our two oldest (3 and 4 years old) standing by us watching with the most goregeous wide eyes and precious smiles upon us, our third baby on the way… She didn’t move too much in my belly that night, maybe it was the sound of the rainfall as we ran from the car to the awning of the restaurant-the place we ate that first night we met-perhaps we were so peaceful in our “i do’s” she was lulled to sleep in a warm safe place. 

I don’t think we are safe anymore. Too much uncertainty, water on the rise, the bridge too close to breaking.  I can’t stop the crushing waves from taking us out. I am not strong enough to hold us together any longer. Your grip has lessened my heart too broken, needing something you’re incapable to give. These memories don’t fade. So many beautiful moments we have shared, created, loved and lived out…and too many times we have lived the ugly hard truth of marriage, the stresses and strains, growing apart, putting other things first rather then the necessary maintenance and repair on our structure and foundation. The dark side of marriage people don’t like to hear about, close their eyes to, turn their heads as if a necessary tolerence…as if that’s the proper thing to do (🙄).  

What do we do now? Rare are the “i love you’s”, the morning kisses goodbye few and far inbetween, the span of hurts and anger and betrayals between us under the sheets. I was moldable iron for so long, letting your hard exterior shell indent and sharp words carve into me. I carry them, these battle scars, the ones I don’t let you see…the old ones, nor the new one from the day before. I can see though you are starting to feel them, especially in these last few years. My heartkeeps stretching but its close to breaking completely. 

and now as I sit here in the silence of our world…I’m to aftaid to show this part of me. Trying not to react to the fact that not one word has been uttered between us today, this day of all days, what does that speak of us? 

I am almost out of words here for you. Only lost in silent thought absorbing our memories. I don’t want go on breathing as hard as this…It is hurting me. Hurting our beautiful girls. Its numbing me… You’re indifference! I want to escape and leave and stay. I want 20 years ago and yet I want to discover who I am! I want more than this! 

What can I write any more? Too much information has been revealed here, too exposed. I feel the seering, seething judgement of people on my soul as I type this but they can just fuck off! Nor have to read me, read the awful truth of the struggles of us…of our love of the black mar and warring of marriage. Besides my arm and texting thumb are going numb! My middle finger too!

What can I write anymore? Love what happened to us? What will we say to each other today? How long will this silence continue? Today? Tomorrow? 

…is there anything left of the right thing
of us?