this is too often true…

It took awhile to get here

and where is here anyway

this alien breath is not me

this monster that cringes

when she walks through the door

what have I become

but a doer and orderer

decision upon decision making

evermor my lifesentence

dole out the work

only to see it is incomplete

half assed finished

pushed aside

put on the side

forgotten

mom will do it

this is the dark side

the ugly side

the exhausting side

no one wants to admit

it’s combative hell

and you want to run away

into the distance

find that place

feel centered and aligned

lay in the arms of beautiful tenderness

loose yourself

bathe in the brightest aura of sky blue

but instead

you undress the layers

unjewel your body

scrub away the day

thinking there is more than this

feel guilty for thinking there is more than this

eat your burrito

let your finger tips caress the keys and speak…

and you walk downstairs to make a tea

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stop feeling…

I do not understand 
how i came to be this way 
I am convinced 
I have aways been this way
This tainted soul
rather unremarkable
how else can any of this 
be defined as anything other 
than it is
I wonder the creation 
of my structure 
its purpose
as i wipe the fallen tears
from my work desk
I can let them fall
all of them
as they pour out
because like all the rest 
of the hours of my day
I am alone
even at work too
this is my life now
my skin bruised inderneath
my heart bleeds internally
no one truly cares
thats my reality 
an absolute of a nothing
just this aging form
in the quiet
as the dark falls
even earlier now…

I wish to go
Slip away quiet
for my heart 
feels too 
wrecked and weary
for this world

please stop feeling heart
Oh god 
please. 
stop. 
feeling.  
anything.  
anymore.