a softer appreciation for what was…is…

I heard the sea pulse before

such magic held inbetween

the pink swirl of the shell walls

I giggle quietly because that feeling

of awe and wonderment still exists

somewhere buried inside of me

I think back to those tender years

and bow my head, close my eyes

remembering the scents that thrilled me

like lilacs and tea, watermelon juice on my chin,

the sea air, and pink bubble gum lipgloss

jaw breakers only made my tongue raw but I couldn’t resist

all the layers of ringed colors  and I would lick some more

how many times did I stain my lips with cherry & blue raspberry lollipops

 dreaming of when I could wear real lipstick… the empty sticks afterward became

the pretend cigarette…ever the dramatic feminine

I played the part well imagining my love being thrilled to kiss me deeply

even while I was angry…

as back then, so too now,

the butterfly still captures me with it’s delicate dance

I sometimes feel the young squeal of delight rise to my throat

when I seen them I can’t explain why

maybe I identify with their transforming vibration

I want to join in and land on the sofest parts of my lover’s heart

to just take off and be caught within his wind

I wonder if he would recognize me

if I fluttered across his path

how many nights did I sink deep into the

the bindings of books

finger trace the loops of words

guilty for the sound of a turning page at 3 am

 I existed again and again in every story

 while still young enough to think

that almost every dream will come true

that silence was my sweet refuge

laying alone, aflame, swollen

I knew of wonderment and things beyond my own comprehension

just an inner knowing, burning bright

so much so that I thought I would burst

such wildness designed in my heart

I am never myself when tame

I wasn’t long in youth when I felt the lashing

for being divine and captivating

engaging unafraid and unashamed

hated and scorned for standing in my beautiful skin

I don’t know when the veil started to fall

weighted by the messiness life handed me

 but I cloaked myself

 for far too long and carried razors in my pocket

 cruelty of abandonment and death were not the cause

rather the aftermath and the ties that bind

history comes back to haunt you every once in awhile

and venomous words linger longer than they ever should

I hid and found all too many dark places to stay

I didn’t know how to leave them

although I tried

it has been years and lifetimes I lay sleeping

sometime ago I wiped the sleep dust from my eyes

and saw how thick the vines and felt how dull my machete

There is a clearing in view full of illumined colors

maybe love will favor me there

Just breathe

 while walking, and hacking, and fighting my way to it

I don’t rest in the dark much any more

even though I still new to the light and respite is ever fragile and slow going

I am awakened…aligning

 learning to love even the ungraceful parts

I see now that I am housed, etched, and scarred art burned in flesh and bone

in this life, those dark scriptures will remain

as they are marrow of my soul

they are why I was born…

why I write

 

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earthen layers…

The more layers I unveil

the more inconsistent the elements of me

I am at war within my soul and self

I thought I was moving forward

as a gentleness I have for myself

although, slowly coming into focus

nevertheless was rooting

I must for mission

embrace my every atom and cell

yet vengeful is the ego when you try to quell its lifeforce

she keeps singing that I am not good enough

that no one could love me

no one will fight for my heart…

return me to the stars

this lifetime

this lifetime…

I am still learning love

growing for

hurting for

dying

 

 

livening…

lacing of fingers

images of you

coursing my veins

pulse propulsions

chain reactions

feeling very piece of you

snaking me

you smell like honey and dew

and the sweet kissing of petals

heaving against my chest

cleave unto me

this tower rising of ache and moan

reaching for my throat

come draw it out of me

collapse me

come live as we breathe

unseemly…

It was a quiet morning Not unlike most mornings for her…she wrapped her scarf tighter around her neck, the place she carries her stress, and pulled it even tighter around her ugly truth, wishing she had remained aloof and anonymous.

She sips from her porcelain cup, in silent contemplation. Dreaming.  Wondering what it would be like looking at a woman’s reflection that says, self assured, strong and sufficient, confident in her stride, competent in her performance. Yet in the next breath the veil is so easily blown away. Revealing only a reflection of a woman falling short once again. A woman  lacking worth in her own eyes and in the eyesight of others. 

The only womanly things she possesses are passion and quiet femininity, which are not much to behold in such a judgmental world. These useless possessions lay under a coating far less desired than clothes of the same age, in better shape. How unseemly she remains to the outer fray.

She swallows a sip of cold coffee. How like her life that sip reminds her. They only desired her when she was hot & fresh. Scalding tongues with her flavor and boldness. She wasted her youth and her flavor now suffers. They must think she’s generic grounds…lacking 

She thinks of her mortality as her red painted nails trace the delicate lines of blue against pale flesh. Her mortality as thin as the inside of her wrist, one slip of a razor, blood spills in silence. One injection of poison, bloodsurge to her heart, stopping it. But doesn’t her heart stop daily when she awakens once again to the cold chill of silent grey walls? There is no relief of her heart’s aching. Or ceasing of her bloodflow…

Her sadness comes in waves, leaving as quickly as it arrives. As if to remind her that she is the wax and wane of tides. As unpredictable as the seas. A heart as heavy as salt. Love as strong as death. 

A blind date; 20 years of love and warring, and is there anything left of the right of us…

You wouldn’t look at me that night, the first night you met me. I thought you weren’t attracted to me, that somehow you were just doing a favor for a friend.  I’m not sure when I realized that wasn’t the case, and somehow we found we stayed awake together into the early hours. We use to laugh and say a blind date that never ended!

What did we even speak of that night?  I no longer remember. Yet I remember what we did…the colors and the pictures of that night, how my mind has held on to them. I remember where we ate, what we ate, the saki, the coffee, the roar of the lions, the wine, the beer, playing pool, you asking if I was some kind of pool shark, our walk of downtown, noting how alone we were under the faint glow of street lamps, the dark reflection of your arms surrounding me in the quietness of the moon and how it lit the east side of the building, that beautiful view…

Why don’t I remember our first kiss? The first time we made love?  Why have those memories escaped me? I remember the smell of fall, wood smoke scents floating in the air. Long nights turned into early mornings, the deep rich full-bodied smell of coffee, the smell-good smells of beginnings, how September was more cool that year and October so stunningly beautiful dressed in brilliants reds, and oranges, golds. 

Five years later we said I do, the same place the moon fell the first time we met! The blue dusk of night, the prayer of blessings by Judge Hooper. Our families somehow cross distances to witness, our two oldest (3 and 4 years old) standing by us watching with the most goregeous wide eyes and precious smiles upon us, our third baby on the way… She didn’t move too much in my belly that night, maybe it was the sound of the rainfall as we ran from the car to the awning of the restaurant-the place we ate that first night we met-perhaps we were so peaceful in our “i do’s” she was lulled to sleep in a warm safe place. 

I don’t think we are safe anymore. Too much uncertainty, water on the rise, the bridge too close to breaking.  I can’t stop the crushing waves from taking us out. I am not strong enough to hold us together any longer. Your grip has lessened my heart too broken, needing something you’re incapable to give. These memories don’t fade. So many beautiful moments we have shared, created, loved and lived out…and too many times we have lived the ugly hard truth of marriage, the stresses and strains, growing apart, putting other things first rather then the necessary maintenance and repair on our structure and foundation. The dark side of marriage people don’t like to hear about, close their eyes to, turn their heads as if a necessary tolerence…as if that’s the proper thing to do (🙄).  

What do we do now? Rare are the “i love you’s”, the morning kisses goodbye few and far inbetween, the span of hurts and anger and betrayals between us under the sheets. I was moldable iron for so long, letting your hard exterior shell indent and sharp words carve into me. I carry them, these battle scars, the ones I don’t let you see…the old ones, nor the new one from the day before. I can see though you are starting to feel them, especially in these last few years. My heartkeeps stretching but its close to breaking completely. 

and now as I sit here in the silence of our world…I’m to aftaid to show this part of me. Trying not to react to the fact that not one word has been uttered between us today, this day of all days, what does that speak of us? 

I am almost out of words here for you. Only lost in silent thought absorbing our memories. I don’t want go on breathing as hard as this…It is hurting me. Hurting our beautiful girls. Its numbing me… You’re indifference! I want to escape and leave and stay. I want 20 years ago and yet I want to discover who I am! I want more than this! 

What can I write any more? Too much information has been revealed here, too exposed. I feel the seering, seething judgement of people on my soul as I type this but they can just fuck off! Nor have to read me, read the awful truth of the struggles of us…of our love of the black mar and warring of marriage. Besides my arm and texting thumb are going numb! My middle finger too!

What can I write anymore? Love what happened to us? What will we say to each other today? How long will this silence continue? Today? Tomorrow? 

…is there anything left of the right thing
of us?