maybe you’re too kind…or cruel

once I thought you found me

thought that you came and saw me from a distance

is is true…did you see me

is it why you never said a word that day?

that night?

the next day?

the months after?

quietly  you slipped away

but for the storm that raged in my heart

as if you only existed to kill me

acting like you never knew me…as if I am nothing to fight for

You must have been embarrased for me and couldnt bear to tell me

that disppoinment came from seeing my silouette and begged you to run

what must your version be

I wait for that moment

the moment for your gaze to find me

just mere steps away

will I be able to breathe…

will you regret it…

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how life desires….

I am softer shades of dark

this threaded light exists

I don’t have to imagine any more

I feel you so clearly

a shadow dancing upon the waters

there was always a beating resonance

a whisperend wind rippling the stillness

I have been swimming towards you

I am almost there

your shoreline shimmering…

are you exiting or entering

my depths

 

a willingness to burn…

I cannot think of much that is better

than sitting here in the quiet,

delicate winter sun streaming across my skin

the steaming rising fom my coffee

dancing with the light

A new day

A new year

A new beginning

I whisper as I smile through my tears

I can feel the tug of dry winter skin across my cheek

winter is so very harsh on me…

I feel the old me wanting to erupt

the darkest part waiting to slip into familiarity

to drive me into non existence, the kind that maps your brain

enticing me to disappear, it to stay forever hidden, hibernate…

I bear this darkness because the light of hope

resides somewhere deep down inside me

I feel the warmth in the distance

a weak winter sun still warms my heart

if only for a moment

I sit here burned by cold silence and mourning my love

yet, still I am wiser, more awakened, softer

my heart so sensually dark and wildly golden

my feminine moon and masculine sun intertwined

I have plunged and risen from fire a thousand times

and yet I crave to be tinder once more,

again and again

this willingness to burn

for I am ever beauty from ashes

becoming my beloved’s

 

a softer appreciation for what was…is…

I heard the sea pulse before

such magic held inbetween

the pink swirl of the shell walls

I giggle quietly because that feeling

of awe and wonderment still exists

somewhere buried inside of me

I think back to those tender years

and bow my head, close my eyes

remembering the scents that thrilled me

like lilacs and tea, watermelon juice on my chin,

the sea air, and pink bubble gum lipgloss

jaw breakers only made my tongue raw but I couldn’t resist

all the layers of ringed colors  and I would lick some more

how many times did I stain my lips with cherry & blue raspberry lollipops

 dreaming of when I could wear real lipstick… the empty sticks afterward became

the pretend cigarette…ever the dramatic feminine

I played the part well imagining my love being thrilled to kiss me deeply

even while I was angry…

as back then, so too now,

the butterfly still captures me with it’s delicate dance

I sometimes feel the young squeal of delight rise to my throat

when I seen them I can’t explain why

maybe I identify with their transforming vibration

I want to join in and land on the sofest parts of my lover’s heart

to just take off and be caught within his wind

I wonder if he would recognize me

if I fluttered across his path

how many nights did I sink deep into the

the bindings of books

finger trace the loops of words

guilty for the sound of a turning page at 3 am

 I existed again and again in every story

 while still young enough to think

that almost every dream will come true

that silence was my sweet refuge

laying alone, aflame, swollen

I knew of wonderment and things beyond my own comprehension

just an inner knowing, burning bright

so much so that I thought I would burst

such wildness designed in my heart

I am never myself when tame

I wasn’t long in youth when I felt the lashing

for being divine and captivating

engaging unafraid and unashamed

hated and scorned for standing in my beautiful skin

I don’t know when the veil started to fall

weighted by the messiness life handed me

 but I cloaked myself

 for far too long and carried razors in my pocket

 cruelty of abandonment and death were not the cause

rather the aftermath and the ties that bind

history comes back to haunt you every once in awhile

and venomous words linger longer than they ever should

I hid and found all too many dark places to stay

I didn’t know how to leave them

although I tried

it has been years and lifetimes I lay sleeping

sometime ago I wiped the sleep dust from my eyes

and saw how thick the vines and felt how dull my machete

There is a clearing in view full of illumined colors

maybe love will favor me there

Just breathe

 while walking, and hacking, and fighting my way to it

I don’t rest in the dark much any more

even though I still new to the light and respite is ever fragile and slow going

I am awakened…aligning

 learning to love even the ungraceful parts

I see now that I am housed, etched, and scarred art burned in flesh and bone

in this life, those dark scriptures will remain

as they are marrow of my soul

they are why I was born…

why I write

 

let it be…

I shouldn’t speak of it but my ego screams to be understood

I can only embrace their harsh judgement of me

and send them love back

I know what is my truth and I stand in it

this momet so fragile and magnanimous

If there is something to be learned from this…

Let it be; letting go

let it be; forgivenss

and let it be; only of, and from a place of

LOVE

 

eloquence of lips…

I cry every day

its the soul shedding oceans I’ve drowned in

resuscitation comes so achingly slow

I’d love to be more eloquent

soft as whispers

quiet as the sweet lull of exhaling

something you delicately grasp

as with your lips

essential and inviting

I am more stars anymore

clinging to my inner-knowing…

love

it’s love

always this love

I tarry awhile and drown

bare and endless

becoming adorned

as entirely me

for you

what is one more lifetime

I willingly surrender

love

it’s love

always love

I cry everyday

it’s my soul shedding oceans…

lips have yet taste